Headlines....for Real????
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1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says [Ya think??]
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers [Poor Jaywalkers]
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms [How about the Legs or Torso?]
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope [Hehe]
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over [Opps...cross breeding??]
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told [Really?? Too Close??]
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death [I would too if I'm dead]
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant [Ouch...what happened to Jail Sentence?]
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies [Poor Ship, it's Dead]
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter [Wow..that long in the Checkout Counter??]
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years [Uh oh...he Reincarnated, maybe?]
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope For Peace [Yeah...that's what happens]
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While [Hmm...]
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures [Really now??]
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge [Strong Tape I guess]
35. Deer Kill 17,000 [Whew..wonder how that deer feels]
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [Aha!]
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [Against the Lightning?]
38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group [500 Pounders, maybe?]
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft [Haha...]
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire [That's what he Deserves..Held in Fire]
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says [Ya think??]
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers [Poor Jaywalkers]
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms [How about the Legs or Torso?]
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope [Hehe]
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over [Opps...cross breeding??]
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told [Really?? Too Close??]
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death [I would too if I'm dead]
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant [Ouch...what happened to Jail Sentence?]
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies [Poor Ship, it's Dead]
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter [Wow..that long in the Checkout Counter??]
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years [Uh oh...he Reincarnated, maybe?]
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope For Peace [Yeah...that's what happens]
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While [Hmm...]
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures [Really now??]
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge [Strong Tape I guess]
35. Deer Kill 17,000 [Whew..wonder how that deer feels]
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [Aha!]
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [Against the Lightning?]
38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group [500 Pounders, maybe?]
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft [Haha...]
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire [That's what he Deserves..Held in Fire]
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
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