Headlines....for Real????


1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says [Ya think??]

2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers [Poor Jaywalkers]

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms [How about the Legs or Torso?]

8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope [Hehe]

11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over [Opps...cross breeding??]

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops Off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told [Really?? Too Close??]

22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death [I would too if I'm dead]

23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant [Ouch...what happened to Jail Sentence?]

24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies [Poor Ship, it's Dead]

26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter [Wow..that long in the Checkout Counter??]

27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years [Uh oh...he Reincarnated, maybe?]

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30. War Dims Hope For Peace [Yeah...that's what happens]

31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While [Hmm...]

32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures [Really now??]

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge [Strong Tape I guess]

35. Deer Kill 17,000 [Whew..wonder how that deer feels]

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [Aha!]

37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [Against the Lightning?]

38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group [500 Pounders, maybe?]

39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft [Haha...]

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy

42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire [That's what he Deserves..Held in Fire]

43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis

60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar


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